Gastronomic Roulette

As I mentioned in an earlier post, dining at the United Nations cafeteria is a bit like gastronomic roulette. It is here, in this most diplomatic of settings, where you are asked on a daily basis to take a true calculated risk. Even if it is merely your meal decision, for some of us, it’s the most dangerous and life-altering decision you’ll make all day.

Like all of the UN buildings in Vienna, the cafeteria itself is a proud homage to the era of the Partridge Family and Jimmy Carter. The bright orange walls, olive green accent splashes, and dark brown carpet were likely the height of sophistication in 1974, but the décor today looks dated, and frankly, a bit garish. When you enter the cafeteria each day, you are met with a display case full of fake flowers and the daily delectable items available for purchase. Often described in Engrisch, these foods bear no resemblance to anything you would willingly put in your system, but in truth they always look better once you see them actually prepared. Crowds swarm around the display case every day as people contemplate if they should have the blood sausage with sauerkraut, Tunisian stew with mixed meat, or the low-calorie option of a spinach black bean patty drowning in cream sauce (don’t even try to tell them that the cream sauce negates the low calories).

After having consulted the display case, you make your way through the turnstiles and hope against hope that the spaghetti Bolognese, a ‘can’t be done wrong’ lunch option, will be ok. It isn’t. In fact, if there is anything I’ve learned at the cafeteria, it is to never go for the sure-fire lunch choices, because they are inevitably the foods that taste the worst. Todd can attest to this, as I swear that boy has picked some of the strangest tasting foods on the earth (who knew a burger could taste like something other than a burger?). It’s the somewhat vague Engrisch options, like ‘Indonesian mixture with rice’ that seem to be the big winners in my experience. And please-- whatever you do-- don’t ever get the spinach-feta strudel.

One of the more unique offerings that the cafeteria provides is something called ‘Sweet Friday.’ As Austria is an 80 percent Catholic country, the idea of Sweet Friday stems from the Lenten season, when Catholics are required to give up meat (and other things they love), in particular on Friday. This notion is year-round in Austria, and so in place of meat dishes, on Fridays they offer large, sweet treats for people to eat instead. Maybe it’s just me, but the idea of giving up meat and having a huge piece of cake in its place doesn’t seem like you’re giving up all that much. It reminds me of a girl I knew in high school, a ‘devout’ Christian who maintained that she was going to stay a virgin until she was married. However, she and her boyfriend would engage in more… exotic sexual practices, shall we say, because it wasn’t ‘traditional’ intercourse. She never did see the hypocrisy. Bottom line: You can’t hoodwink God. Having a two-pound brownie smothered in raspberry sauce for lunch instead of a turkey sandwich does not seem like a demonstration of piety and restraint. But I digress.

Once you’ve selected your meal option in the cafeteria, you head over to the beverage section, where the UN has a large icemaker. Most of you reading this are probably thinking, “What’s the big deal about an ice maker?” If only you knew. It’s a big deal because this is probably the only place outside of the Imperial Hotel where you’ll find real, honest-to-goodness ice. We’re so spoiled in the US, having ice available wherever and whenever you like it. It’s another thing that’s been added to my ‘I promise I’ll never take you for granted’ list of items back home. For example, to quote Robin Williams, it’s been weather by Sybil over here for the past few weeks, with some days being around 89 degrees with 80 percent humidity, and then the past two days hovering around a nippy 46 degrees. Thank YOU global warming! On hot days all you want is a cold (not cool) drink, and maybe some air conditioning. The UN is the only place you’re going to get it. So you, being a spoiled American, happily take a heaping cup full of ice. Europeans often forsake the ice and simply put their glass face down over a rocket-propelled water sprayer, push on the lever, and the sprayer cools your glass down for you. The problem with the sprayer is that it doesn’t stop the moment the glass is lifted, so whoever is standing by someone who is cooling his or her glass gets sprayed in the face with water. In fact, I genuinely think the Japanese Ambassador has sprayed me in the face at least once during this process.

Now that you have your decadent ice water and your exotic – perhaps even dangerous – food option, you’re ready to pay for all this deliciousness. You say to yourself, “Well, even if it isn’t good, it’s cheap.” Then you remember the exchange rate and come to realize it’s not as cheap as it seems, but hey, the dollar rallied this week, so I’ll splurge and have a half-pound of bread pudding too since it’s Friday. As the saying goes, when in Rome (or Vienna)…

Until next time, my lovelies! Love and miss you all!